I'm sat huddled in my kitchen trying to keep warm, cupping tea (healer of all problems might I add), listening to the patter of rain on the conservatory roof. I honestly can't get to grips with the fact that it is Christmas on Tuesday and New Years Day a week after. 2012 has undoubtedly been the quickest year of my life, zooming past me at full pelt, full of ups and downs (as Mr Keating said, it's a rollercoaster and it's just crying out to be ridden), adventures, and a significant amount of self discovery.
A very important person in my life once told me that I needed to stop being so scared of what was happening, that I needed to stop being worried about the unknown and just embrace life as it comes. I needed to stop needing to live by a plan - live by dreams, yes, but make those dreams a reality rather than saying "I wish...". Unfortunately, me not doing so has inevitably pushed that person as far out of my life as I could've ever imagined and it will take a long time to get over that, but with all that is lost is a great lesson to be learned and this is - without a doubt - the biggest lesson I have learnt so far.
"No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path."
The thing is, whether I like to admit it or not, I'm not the most independent person you'll ever meet. Yes, I like my independence but when things get a little tough and the storm clouds come rolling in all I want to do is have someone by me so I can lean on them and get some shelter. This isn't a healthy way to live, for me or that person. When that person leaves for whatever reason, my whole world shatters - everything feels harder because I'm just not used to doing it alone. Now, I'm much better at this than I used to be, but my dependence on others for happiness is still just as strong and that needs to change.
I've very recently lost someone very close to me - I'm not going to say anything more on the matter here because it isn't really appropriate. It has, however, opened my eyes somewhat. Since it happened I've been cycling through so many emotions that I'm giving myself a headache: sadness, anger, confusion... But I've come out the other side feeling slightly relieved. Everything is clicking into place now. It means that I can - no, I have to - do this for myself. Nobody else. It's my life, it's my story, I am the author. Nobody can write my life for me, nor can anybody tell me how to live my life because where will that leave me? Yo-yoing back to my previous state of mind? Who wants that? Definitely not me. Anybody, for someone to do that for me - to hurt himself as well as me - I am actually quite honoured. It is the most amazing thing someone has done, and I fully respect the decision even if it hurts...
I know I'm full of "I'm going to" and "I can't wait for" [insert random activity/place/thing] that never materialise but that's just leading myself to disappointment. I've been having a little think about how I can become proactive about the whole thing, my best friend (love her dearly) suggested I think up a little action plan to integrate everything I want to do and want to be into my life but do it one step at a time. So:
Work - At the moment I don't know whether I'm in the most stable position to travel to the other side of the country, set myself up in a new city without knowing anybody, or doing work I have no idea about. So, for now, if I get offered a permanent position at Boots (or wherever I end up), I'd like to do this but volunteer on the side. Get my skills up, get my passion for the subject back, and try and do it that way. I need to blog more (on the Ocean-Defender side) so try and spark the drive because I have to admit that has gone a little. I don't know whether it is the illness or whether it is the meds, but something needs to change... Maybe I just need to become a little stronger.
Social life - I'm not quite the social butterfly, more the social sloth. I appear once every blue moon and when I do I tend to get so blind drunk that I make a fool of myself or sit crying because I'd let the alcohol-depression take over. Lets change this one! Once a week or fortnight I need to set myself a whole day of meeting friends and socialising and being happy. I'm going to travel to see those friends I haven't seen in ages, and I'm going to utilise that wonderful thing called Skype more.
Personal life/ hobbies - I want to start swimming again. Running failed for me, it hurts me, so I need to build up my fitness and stamina before I give it another shot. I also want to (if I have enough money) do my Advanced Open Water wherever in the world I end up this year. I'm also going to get myself into photography since I've now got a shiny new camera waiting for me after Christmas.
Positivity - This is a big one for me. I'm a pessimist, I know I am, but I can stop that thinking and see the glass as half full can't I? I'm going to be starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy soon to assist with this, but my idea was to think of 10 things that have made me happy - each week - and scribble them down on here, on paper, on anything. It'll make me think about the week, it'll make me realise the good over the bad.
Love - For now, I need to take a step back and start loving myself again. I need to stop putting pressure on those to love me, I need to stop smothering, and I need to just let whatever happens happen. I know that when life is right again - when the balance is right - when happiness and faith in myself is restored that everything will fall into place... I just need to have a little bit of courage along the way that everything happens for a reason.
N.B. I haven't re-read this through because, as all things wonderful, it was a little spontaneous post that I needed to say. In that, I apologise for any major grammatical boo-boos.